Mike Guest

They say the first cut is the deepest.

This is true if you're trying to make french fries. Fortunatly, the emergency room was pretty much empty, and I was in and out in under an hour.

I managed to put a nice big cut into the tip of my thumb. One of those deep but shallow, leaves a giant flap kinda cut. No stitches, just glue. A small worry, quickly dispelled of a cut tendon. Kinda embarrassing.

Oh, and a giant gauze bandage so I don't bump it. I look like a cartoon character.

At least I'm at my Dad's so I'm warm. The furnace at my place still isn't working.

Here I am, sitting in my basement apartment with the weather outside at -14(-21 windchill) all bundled up. Why? because the furnace has been out since possibly yesterday.

I didn't notice that much this morning, because my apartment is always cold. It's a basement of a townhouse, not much to do there. But apparently the furnace wasn't working, and the other tenants called the landlords. Who called me, 'cause the furnace is in my apartment. I told them I was at work, so give the guy a key and he can go in without me.

4:30pm, I get a call from the furnace guy wanting to know when I'll be in so he can check on the furnace.

7:00pm, he shows up and finds the problem. But it needs a part he doesn't have. He'll be back tomorrow. With a key.

yay.

On the nice side, the landlords called to make sure I had a space heater so I wouldn't freeze to death while I slept.

Space heaters? Yeah. I have four. And they're ALL on. As usual.

Also, my computer has been acting up, and I honestly think it's a combination of the age of some of the parts, and the sheer fucking, toe numbing COLD.

Fortunately, utilities are included in my rent.

Five more days.

I'm going to miss you, Mom.

Wait, you what?

When, why? Dear God, what were you thinking? I mean really, I don't want to know how drunk you were if you thought that was a good idea.

Hopefully we'll be able to laugh about this ten years down the road...

Man up and get over it, you whiney emo shit.

To what, or to whom, do I owe this pleasure?

"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." - Stephen Stills
"If there is someone you can do without, then do so." - Barenaked Ladies.

Which one is the better advice?

"A kiss is the single most intimate act that can be shared between two people." -Mike Guest

Discuss.

I have my passport now, and I hardly look disreputable at all. This means I am now ready to go stateside for Thanksgiving with the 'rents and sibling. We're going to see Williamsburg and environs.

It's gonna be nice. I haven't taken a vacation in a while. In fact, the last time I took one was the trip to Montreal with Jen... two years ago? Not even a true day off in that time. All my vacation time was taken so that I could work on something else.

It'll be good to have a chance to unwind. If it was after the October event, that would be better, as I'd be able to not worry about anything at all. But I'm sure I'll survive, somehow. :)

Moo.

Jesus my posting has become depressing.

What is it about LJ that compels the urge to write about how sad/depressed/bored/empty/naked you are but never about how happy/upbeat/busy/sexed-up you are?

I mean, I know people who post lots of happy shit, but they also have their own issue: LJ addiction. It's the sporadic posters like me who seem to be bad at it. (and those melodramatic teenage fucks - so glad I didn't have LJ then)

I'd like to think I'm not really this depressing in real life. I mean, I know I've had a bad run as of late, but I'm pretty sure this isn't all there is to me. Right?

Right?

Hello?

Oh. Well, shit. Guess I need to grow a slice now.

Actually, I know the reason. When I'm in a jubilant mood, I'm rarely sitting in front of my computer. Or if I am, I don't want to stop whatever it is that I'm doing to make a post. And I can't be bothered to keep an actual diary on here, so I don't generally muse over the previous days' events.

This is one of those rare events when i actually plan to write something. Well, half planned, half free association.

... My brain just went totally blank. I can't remember if I had some amazing and insightful point to make. I'll assume the answer was yes, and that the world is a worse off place for not having heard it.

Huh.

I just realized that if I'm not being moody on here, then I'm ranting about moody posts.

Fuck.

I just can't win this can I?

Hmmm.... happy things that have happened to me (that I can share with the public)... Uh, my boss rocks. My job is just the right amount of challenging. I can get away with mohawks, blue beards, and guaged piercings. I'm learning to operate the offset presses, which is very cool. I'm learning much about myself, which while painful on occasion, is always a good thing.

Um... more later, maybe (yeah, right) Now I have to go and stop procrastinating.

I found out recently that I am terrified of being alone. Not the "never finding a girlfriend" variety, but being truly alone.

Just me, with no one around. No one to talk to, no one to see. Alone.

I guess that's why so many people worry about finding a mate. It's insurance against feeling that way.

I'm not saying that I want people around me all day, every day, 'cause that would drive me nuts. Rather, I realized that I need to be able have the ability, the option, of interacting with someone else.

It's been a great few weeks for self discovery.

I also realized that problems of trying to make the *idea* of what I want and/or desire mesh with what I actually want and/or desire. It's not easy, and I'm fairly sure that's the sort of thing that goes on for the rest of your life.

So right now, I'm confusing the hell out of myself trying to figure out what it is that I really want out of the myriad conflicting desires running through my head and gut. This is complicated by my inability to actually figure out what half of them are in the first place.

All I know right now is that one day I'll be able to think straight again. It'll be nice when that happens.

Keep up the good work.

That is all.

I want to go dancing this weekend.

Once again, I find myself bored silly. It's more of an ennui, than anything else. I have shit I could be doing, but would really rather not.

I have this weird compulsion to post here. To keep in touch with people, however tenuously.

I have a great fear of relapsing into the non-existent person I was not that many years ago. It is too easy to fall off the face of the earth, to stop talking to your friends, to shut yourself in.

It's the path of least resistance, but it's not a healthy one. I know me. I could do it so easily, but I need my friends. Without them, one gives up. One of the best reasons to have parties or people over for dinner is because it forces you to clean. In a slightly more abstract way, it's the same for just staying in contact, whether through MSN, email, phone, etc. It forces you to clean up your thoughts, tidy your memories, throw out the old nasty ones, and keep the nice shiny ones.

So here is one part of my desire to not disappear into the nothingness that surrounds us. I've been there before, and it takes far too long to climb out.

I realized recently just how much I need social interaction. I always thought of myself as the sort that prefers to be alone, but that's not true. I just need to be able to get away every now and then. It's a good thing to realize about ones self.

The Epoch event is over, and I'm home and showered.

I feel so... empty? Like I'm floating. I spent so much time and effort in the weeks leading up to it, trying to get over the weird innability to concentrate on it. Then I got sick, and I was positive that I was going to blow the weekend.

So now it's over. It went really well, and for that I have Dave and Ali to thank. Dave did a kick-ass job as ED, delivering the funny and not-so-funny primary encounters. Ali came up with some good ones and kept me focused leading up to it. Without them the event would have been either a mash of random encounters with little rhyme or reason, or a real trial by fire for the ED.

But now that it's all over, I feel drained and empty. I do think that's the best word for it. Empty. I don't have anything to focus my attention towards. I guess that means it's time for me to relax.

But I'm so glad the weekend went well.

Grrr. Arrgh. Sigh.

After many many months of attempts (read: procrastinating) I finally managed to clean off my workbench. So on to the projects!

I'm having fun, even if I am getting stoned from the fumes of the dyes.

If all goes well, I might even finish one or two of them.

I am so fucking bored.

So incredibly, mindlessly, fucking bored.